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Thread: Giup em sua bai Informative Essay ( Sex Education)

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    Default Giup em sua bai Informative Essay ( Sex Education)

    Co ai giup em xoa may bai ben kia nha, tai moi vao nen ko biet post o dau.

    Sex Education that Works
    Sex is one of a basic instinct of human, but if a young kid is not be educated about sex, it will cause many serious dangers to society. According to a study by researchers at the University Of Texas School Of Public Health, “Middle school youth are engaging in sexual intercourse as early as age 12,” so sex education should be allowed in middle school and high school. Also base on the Ethnic report in the United State, over five percents of population is Asian who is really more feudal and never feel comfortable to open discussion with their children about sex.; therefore, many teenagers do not have enough or no information about this topic. AVERT, an international AIDS charity, has mention many potential benefits in their program Abstinence and Sex Education: It will educate youth about sexual transmitted disease, teenage pregnancies, abortion and sex crime. (Avert Foundation)
    First, sex education should be taught in middle and high school because it helps teenagers understand more clearly about sexual transmitted disease and how it effects health. Most patients with a sexual transmitted disease problem usually do not know what it means and how they get it. Here is one of many stories in the pages of Meg Meeker’s Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids:
    Fifteen year old Laurie was rushed to the emergency room with acute pain in her lower abdomen. Doctors initially suspected appendicitis, but surgery revealed something worse. Laurie suffered from pelvic inflammatory disease, which was caused by either Chlamydia or gonorrhea. The infection began in her cervix, then climbed through the uterus into her fallopian tubes and then out to the ovaries. An abscess that formed on her right ovary had ruptured, spilling the infection into her abdominal cavity. Quick action by the surgeons saved Laurie's life, but she will probably never bear children. (251)
    Just a short time of sex was activity and lack of sex education, Laurie has to pay a really high cost for that. “Who will take responsible for Laurie’s mistake?” is still a question without answers.
    Nowadays, over 1.3 million women under eighteen have had abortions, which mean that almost 1.3 women individually have had the effects from abortion. In 2003, approximately 242 babies were aborted out of 1000 lives birth (By the Numbers: Abortion Update), and that fact shows that nearly one-third of the next generation have been killed every year, which will affect the world’s population in the next couple of years. If sex education is not available to middle and high school programs, the number of abortions will increase. However, if abortion was banned in some states, many children will grow up in suffering and despair or illegal abortion will be formed. According to Wikipedia, one of the most major reasons for teenage pregnancy is “the lack of education on safe sex, whether it’s from parents, schools, or otherwise.”
    The last reason, sex education should be taught in middle and high school is because no one wants to live in a society with many criminals or illegal activations. Without sex education, a lot of students have voyeurism problem which is a psychosexual disorder of sexual arousal. July 28, 2009, at Emmaus High School, a fifteen year old student was arrested with a voyeurism problem:
    The investigation is not closed yet but as of right now police has retrieved more than 300 "upskirt" video files and photos from the teenager's cell phone and computer. So far, investigators have been able to identify 19 victims including fellow students and teachers at Emmaus High School, each victim only recently learning what happened. (www.abclocal.go.com)
    Sex Education plays a big role which affects youth minds. In our daily life, people experience many shocking things that make them more aware. There are a lot of illness surround people, such as cancer, lung, diabetes or many more that we cannot predict whenever it comes to them, but at least scientists do have treatments or preventing by many methods. However, everything evolving with sexual is really hard to control because it effects to people mind, especially youth mind which is very easy to get influence.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Sex is one of a basic instinct of human, but if a young kid is not be educated about sex, it will cause many serious dangers to society.
    Rephrase: "Sex is among (OR is one of) many basic human instincts. However ... "
    Comment: I have no idea what you mean by "many serious dangers to society". You started off well, but then leading me to a pond of questions. Effective introduction is to clearly state exactly the situation/issue. You can raise a question, but please try to avoid having the readers raising questions as it will diminish the effectiveness of the essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    According to a study by researchers at the University of Texas School Of Public Health, “Middle school youth are engaging in sexual intercourse as early as age 12,” so sex education should be allowed in middle school and high school.
    Comment: I don't think you need "by researchers" here unless you want to specifically state "what kind of researchers" were doing the study.
    Rephrase: According to a study at the University of Texas School Of Public Health, “Middle school youth are engaging in sexual intercourse as early as age 12.” (I don't think you need to quote this but it is acceptable) This suggests that sex education is necessary for teenagers/students in middle and high schools.

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Also base on the Ethnic report in the United State, over five percents of population is Asian who is really more feudal and never feel comfortable to open discussion with their children about sex.; therefore, many teenagers do not have enough or no information about this topic. AVERT, an international AIDS charity, has mention many potential benefits in their program Abstinence and Sex Education: It will educate youth about sexual transmitted disease, teenage pregnancies, abortion and sex crime. (Avert Foundation)
    Comment: I don't think your reference point from "Asian population" is convincing enough to expand to the entire youth population. In fact, it's a little bit irrelevant since I don't believe you can take a 5% of the population to assume that it represents the entire American youth (assuming that you're talking about the US). Another point is that I don't know why you want to drag the entire quote from AVERT into the introduction. Is this your essay, or are you trying to learn how to quote and paraphrasing? I am curious of what YOU think of the issue, what is your take on it, what do you like/don't like about it? What do you want me to be aware of? Quotes & references should be used as examples or clarification to your opinion or to indicate your source of information, and NOT to represent your opinion. On rare occasions that one uses quotes or references to introduce the essay because (1) it is famous or well-known (2) you cannot have said or present the issue any better (3) you will want to refer to it later in the essay to further clarify your opinion on the issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Here is one of many stories in the pages of Meg Meeker’s Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids:
    Fifteen year old Laurie was rushed to the emergency room with acute pain in her lower abdomen. Doctors initially suspected appendicitis, but surgery revealed something worse. Laurie suffered from pelvic inflammatory disease, which was caused by either Chlamydia or gonorrhea. The infection began in her cervix, then climbed through the uterus into her fallopian tubes and then out to the ovaries. An abscess that formed on her right ovary had ruptured, spilling the infection into her abdominal cavity. Quick action by the surgeons saved Laurie's life, but she will probably never bear children. (251)
    Comment: Did you just copy and paste this? Quoting is good but I'd prefer a shorter version of this, i.e. paraphrase (preferrably in 2-3 sentences max). I think your essay should focus on the cause-effect and not the details of the disease (or at least that's the idea I thought your topic stated: Sex education that works).

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Nowadays, over 1.3 million women under eighteen have had abortions, which mean that almost 1.3 women individually have had the effects from abortion.
    I don't understand.

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Nowadays, over 1.3 million women under eighteen have had abortions, which mean that almost 1.3 women individually have had the effects from abortion. In 2003, approximately 242 babies were aborted out of 1000 lives birth (By the Numbers: Abortion Update), and that fact shows that nearly one-third of the next generation have been killed every year, which will affect the world’s population in the next couple of years. If sex education is not available to middle and high school programs, the number of abortions will increase. However, if abortion was banned in some states, many children will grow up in suffering and despair or illegal abortion will be formed. According to Wikipedia, one of the most major reasons for teenage pregnancy is “the lack of education on safe sex, whether it’s from parents, schools, or otherwise.”
    Comment: You have a lot of facts here, but the transition of ideas is not very well formed. Try "According ... otherwise", then relate the fact that lack of education on safe sex will result in teen pregnancies which will lead to premature abortion. Throw in the numbers to indicate the significance and stress the alarming situation with regards to the population, living condition, etc. Also, your "However, ... be formed" needs to be rewritten. You need to separate the issues of children will grow up suffering & despair from illegal abortion. Or else it very misleading to think that children will grow up suffering and form illegal abortion clinics (???).

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    The last reason, sex education should be taught in middle and high school is because no one wants to live in a society with many criminals or illegal activations. Without sex education, a lot of students have voyeurism problem which is a psychosexual disorder of sexual arousal. July 28, 2009, at Emmaus High School, a fifteen year old student was arrested with a voyeurism problem:
    The investigation is not closed yet but as of right now police has retrieved more than 300 "upskirt" video files and photos from the teenager's cell phone and computer. So far, investigators have been able to identify 19 victims including fellow students and teachers at Emmaus High School, each victim only recently learning what happened. (www.abclocal.go.com)
    Comment: When you quote from someone else, please keep the quoted phrase inside of " ..." unless you are parapharasing it from the article. I don't quite think this reason as well as the example are convincing, but it is acceptable.

    Quote Originally Posted by Myrealbigone View Post
    Sex Education plays a big role which affects youth minds. In our daily life, people experience many shocking things that make them more aware. There are a lot of illness surround people, such as cancer, lung, diabetes or many more that we cannot predict whenever it comes to them, but at least scientists do have treatments or preventing by many methods. However, everything evolving with sexual is really hard to control because it effects to people mind, especially youth mind which is very easy to get influence.
    Comments: So where does sex education that works come in?


    I refrained from making grammatical corrections since I don't think you have many issues with it. I also think that you are somewhat influenced by the articles you quoted in your essay that you've forgotten your own voice in the issue. It is good to learn writing style from these articles, but you also need to learn to incorporate that style to your writing instead of copy it directly. Not until the last paragraph that I could see how you write, but your conclusion is not quite conclusive. You suggested at the beginning that schools should have sex education programs, you will need to tell me in the end how strongly you think it will benefit these youngsters.

    Regards,
    K

    Last edited by iPropose; May 12, 2010 at 09:21 PM.

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