Diary online

[cicadas]

I often consider diary as a secret notebook, which just I am allowed to "enjoy", to take notes of events worthy remembering, moving stories, sweet memories around my life that have just happened for some time, are happening right now and also possibly will happen in the future or more simply some thoughts, ideas that suddenly appeared in my mind some seconds ago that I never want to fade away.



However I did change my mind today. From now on I take another alternative for my diary. It is an online open book to everyone in the ESE forum. My decision is based on the following thoughts:



Firstly, I am able to improve my English as the tittle motto "Learning while Playing" of this room. Also by writing what I think right here I will more naturally, smoothly and cheerfully tell true stories to my life in the language I am struggling rather than I try to copy what I try to imagine with so virtual or confusing pictures. In addition, if I make some grammatical mistakes or wrong ways to develop my ideas into the writing, I may probably been given some corrections from you all.



Secondly, I have more chances to share my feelings, emotions and intellects, to open my hearts what has been frozen for long because of love with you . Besides I hope here in this room to become a place to discuss about the life experience we have undergone and one day I suddenly recognize that I had learned much from the friends here.



Thirdly, yet another reason makes me choose this as a new diary is because of overload of baggage when I travel some where by airplane. Nowadays, there are so many things in need, from a notebook for work to some souvenirs from your homeland for the friends that I will meet. So it is a bit difficult to carry one big book in weight of half kilo that I can´t always open to read at office while it is too easy to soften the difficulty with a laptop connected to internet. ( more easily to cheat the chef )



Finally, I choose this way to recall my mind so simply as to choose to get married with a girl. I never know if I don´t directly try it out. However, even after using, possibly I will never know whether it is really alright or not, I just hope that all at least seems alright to me



Oh my first diary online went in this matter! Thank you for reading it and instructor "chua nghi ra" for opening the room for us. Hopefully we will join your room to share thoughts, emotions and experience with other members of ESE forum.

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[cicadas]

It has been more than one year since you left the city for where you are now, where you said you feel better and where you can get away from me.



Sometimes I call your mum to ask about her health as I often did in the past. She just wanted me to explain everything between us to her but how could I interpret this story when I myself knew nothing more? It seemed that she read my shyness and from then she never mentioned it to me again. She once told me that the lemon tree we bought at Buoi market on Thang´s birthday had bloomed. She cared much for it, even she boiled water and cooled it before she irrigated. She said when it had fruit, she would give some to my mum. When I ended the call, she cried again.



On the way back home yesterday I stopped by your family, everyone was good, Hoang was the best pupil of the class last school year, your dad had finished writing the book, he signed, then gave me one but I saw some sadness in their eyes. Since I had no much spare time last days, I could not stay for dinner like I used to do. Your mum saw me out and asked if everything was the same. I tried to make her happy but I could not hide my sorrow from her. Looking at her eyes I just said what I thought: " My feeling to your family remains the same in me forever and for sure" and then I saw her tear again.



It was just sorry for Ni Ni, it did not understand anything, just was happy around us and wagged its while tail. It followed me until midway in the street. I brought it back but deep inside I felt sorry for it so much. Recalling the first day you met it at my home made me confused for a while.



I have another sadness at home, Na Na has left home since yesterday. I searched for it everywhere in the neighborhood and nobody could give me a small clue about it. I have met some guys who may know where it was and asked them for help. I really don´t want to witness it leaving me. I never believe it will turn out to be this way.

Anh Ve Sầu,

As I don't want to tamper with your inner most feelings, I would like to make a comment. Your writing is beautiful. It is simply amazing how you describe your events in such a way that I could "feel" it. My full and utmost respect to you, bro.

May I make some suggestions, please...

- ... stopped by your family, everyone was good, Hoang ...

- ... since yesterday. I searched for it everywhere in the neighborhood and nobody could give me ...

- ... really don´t want to witness it leaving me.

[cicadas]

Dear Mr Huu,



I am very happy that my mistakes have been corrected. That is also why I chose the online diary here rather than somewhere else.



I hope you to correct mine in the next writings.



Thank you so much and wish you a great time.

[cicadas]

Coming back thirty minutes more early than as usual, taking off the white shirt, on the T-shirt, I hurried to cycle firstly through the traffic jam, next through a crowd of a market on a naturally small alley to get through to the guy whom I depended on for help to recapture Na Na.



Although he said on phone that Na Na had been alright except a slight injury on its foreleg, I knew this guy well, there was no reason for him, a gangster, to pity an animal. I felt insecure as long as I had yet to see Na Na by my eyes.



Coming in, keeping calm, pretending as if nothing serious were happening in my mind, I had a quick look at Na Na and then said thanks to him, paid some money for the ransom as well. I held Na Na tight and left.



That had to be a very serious injury. Na Na had a broken bone on the foreleg that I could see. It stopped bleeding from the injury but Na Na had certainly lost much blood. Na Na had descended into their trap for sure.



I asked an old, gardening man if he knew some vets near by. He leaded me to one, just 400 meters far from his home. I shook hands and said thanks to the kind man. To be honest, seen from outside, the doctor office looked like a pharmacy. It was so silent, there was nobody there except for a child. He greeted and asked whether I wanted to buy anything. I explained that my cat needed curing. This appeared to surprise him a bit. He said: “If so, please, wait for my mother about 30 minutes, then my mother will come back”.



I saw Na Na. It looked rather tired but still peaceful as if nothing had happened to it. I just worried whether Na Na ate poisonous food. The only hope for me was that if they used a trap to capture it, they often set no poison. But I never knew until the doctor came back.



Eventually she returned home, but one hour later than the stated time. After some words I requested her to cure Na Na. she said: “To be honest with you, I had no experience in cats”. It made me a bit upset. Finally she agreed to bandage Na Na´s wound but did not make sure if it was poisoned or not.



It was late night, after being fed some small fish I bought in the market on the small alley, Na Na looked much better. Na Na did not jump up the television as usual but lay peacefully on bed, of course with a chain on neck this time, I comforted Na Na: "I like this chain to you, unless both you and I will inflict another disaster again".



I wanted to call you. However I did not do so. Anyway you have had no word to Na Na since you left.

[cicadas]

I had not met a friend for long but some days ago I did.



If Life could be likened to a river, all of lives always flowed and directed itself down into "the ocean". Otherwise it was a dead river.



However each river flowed in its own way. And my friend´s river descended into the "dead ocean". I wanted to tell a story about that piteous river.



The River had childhood like every river else, but fierce one.

Long time ago, there were two large rivers from two directions, then met each other at a point to bear a small one.



Not long after that, unfortunately, people forgot the large rivers forever, their names were erased from the map. they never existed in this life. Their disappearance left the small river alone. And its fierce childhood just began.



It was called a river but a river without water, a dead river. In the early life of the river, droughts came over and over again. its body was chapped, dried and lonesome. Nobody cared about it except that it cared about itself. The more silent it was, the louder people scolded it just because it was not a useful river for people. they thrown all garbage, they could, down into it. Therefore, deep the bottom of the river was filled with dirts. That river existed anyway.



There was still a dream in it. It wished that it would rain one day. Its body was full of water and the cold water would mend all the injuries it inflicted that time. It dreamed of water, silt and peace. It thought somehow it would bring joys, happinesses and pleasures for people by transporting alluvial soil to fields near to it



Then it rained, then river contained fully of water. Its dreams came true. Some people began to award it as a legendary river since it regenerated its life by itself. what a pity that that time didn´t last long. Once the river had more and more water. It easily forgot that it used to be a dead river, that it had dreamed to be a peaceful, useful and rich one.



After that, floods after floods came from the heavy rains.



After a heavy rain, the river was full of water, when it kept raining, the water level still rose and rose, the river were not so peaceful as it used and it wished itself. The river brought an evil genius in itself. it swept all things in its way away. it destroyed all that i met. It was a killer of the life.



One day, it abated and stopped raining. All water, the river used to have, had flowed into ocean for long. No longer did that thing belong to its asset. No sooner had it stopped raining than the first drought appeared again. And it was just the first signal of a series of the coming, new droughts to the river.



The river had no mistake, anyway. Droughts and floods had leaded its life, not by itself.



Some days ago I met a friend behind iron bars of a hotel without bell.

[cicadas]

My Darling,



Recently I have stayed up quite late while having to get up early for work as usual. Sometimes, I feel tired, have no desire to do one of my hobbies. I have given up habit to clean up the house three times a week. It was time to take back what I have lost.



Today I woke up early, not having to work today gave me a comfortable moment that I have shortly become more and more strange to. I stayed on bed and listened to some songs. The same old songs brought both familiar and strange feeling to me. I still love Casablanca, kiss me goodbye, you are the sunshine of my life .... But I wondered what made them more meaningful to me? I look deep into my soul and knew nothing else except I myself. I thought my time away until the postman rang the bell. It has been the first letter since I saw you off, holding it tight, but I didn´t want to open it right that time because I had a work to immediately accomplish, you know if I am to read it I had better finish my work. It´s quite late.



Everything for the trip had been almost prepared. Looking around the sleeping room, living room and kitchen recalled me about a good habit but some weeks ago suddenly disappeared from my mind. I needed to clean up the house before the trip. I said myself: "let´s go".



Laying the books that had been lain everywhere in the house, that I could find everywhere in the house from the stairs, the toilette to under the bed, into the shelves, (however there stood some books in the kitchen that you got to used to reading each time you cooked for me, I didn´t want to move them, because they are not so much books as memories of us), reorganizing my stuffs into where they belong naturally, putting dirty clothes into the washing machine, cleaning the floors, I heard some old melodies, of course some of them were pieces you liked. It didn´t surprise me at all that it didn´t take so long to finish, but a comfortable feeling everywhere in the house made me so pleasant, so cheerful. I came into the store to take some plastic bags to cover my blanket unless when I come back after 2 months away, it will completely overlay with dust.



After all, I filtered a cup of coffee by myself, sitting alone, hearing some music, I read some old novels I thought, I should take more time for myself.



I went to Na Na, that there cat, some time ago it was thought to be killed by dirty hunters, it lay so silently by my side, but ignored me and closed its eyes as if it were sleeping. Thanks to luck, Na Na had not eaten anything poisonous and has got along so far. I said to her: " Tonight I am bringing you to Trung, you must be good when staying at him, ok?" it seemed that Na Na understood what I wanted to express but Na Na looked like ignoring everything.



Tomorrow, before the trip, I will come to Ni Ni to say goodbye. Ni Ni is a bit vivacious, always cheerful and friendly but a bit superficial in comparison to Na Na. Anyway I love both of them so much.



Cleaning the house, drinking something, listening to some music, reading a book and playing with Na Na were one of the most peaceful moments in my life, which will belong to me if I want.



If you knew that I was the same as before you walked away, did you come back to me, my darling? If you should happen to back, I don´t know how to begin again.

[cicadas]

My darling,



That there colleague, he made me troubled today. he forgot to bring the needed document to me again I had tried to contact him before closing time but in vain. I regretted to think of it but I can´t stand to see that guy treating me over and over again. Never has he learned about teamwork where people should help and assist each other in work so much as possible. I wondered if I needed tell it to the chef or exchange my view of work with him first. How dared he block the progress of the work when all was trying to accomplish? He should have known that nobody was allowed to get in the work´s way. I always believe that each is of a gentle and kind nature and that his character is based on the education of his family, society and school. Perhaps if I am to understand him, I had better make a date, listen to his wishes and share my thoughts of work with him. It will have to be a good job for both. However I am about to travel and have no time to do it now but in the future when I come back.



On the way back home, I encountered an old friend at the university time in the street near home. It was the guy Quang "bỉ". Be richer and more successful than before, he told me to eat out together at a big, famous and expensive restaurant next to West lake. However I had to deny that invitation and denied so politely as I could, be it an old friend. He will get married next month and would like to invite me to the wedding party. I should imagine that he would marry the same old girlfriend whom we got to know before, but another girl. That´s that. Some couples loved each other and thought that they would belong to each other forever without being never aware that they were never to meet each other in this life again. His story didn´t upset me, if anything, I felt sorry for the true loves.



I met Ni Ni today again. I was so happy to be with Ni Ni and so was it. Now that you have been away so long, I don´t know whether Ni Ni can recognize you or not and I asked your dad this question. Your dad told: "each time when you call home, he turns on the speaker so that all the family can listen and speak to you and Ni Ni does too. Ni Ni seems to be happy and cheerful when it hears your voice". I love Ni Ni because no matter whatever happens to us, it still loves and greets us with its heart deep inside. If wasn´t for that, I would not love it so much so much. Suddenly I thought about your way to smile at me for the first time, your way, if shy, shone the intelligence in each gesture. I would rather that you loved me this way forever. No matter what comes this life will still go on.



Coming back home, looking through the window, I caught two birds kissing each other in the garden behind the house. I smiled at myself and thought: "how beautiful the life. Nobody is to disturb this moment and I will leave them enjoying their happiness in the silence".



It´s no good my telling so much. I just wish that you are always so happy with your choice.

[cicadas]

My darling,



I have read your letter and the written words to me caused I know that you might just as well greet me with a smile if we encounter each other in the old streets, where was filled with a number of our sweet memories, you will say something positive like :"May you be so happy" or something like a propriety. I have asked you some times when we were together why you lived and behaved in communicating with others as if you were acting a play? You remember how my question has been answered, don´t you? I still keep it clearly in my mind and I want to remind in case you have forgotten: You have calmly replied to me:"If I must live as an actress in the life, then so be it". Be that as it may, your attitude of life has hurt my heart so much. I have just wished to see your true person: an intelligent, nimble, although honest girl. Not everyone loves to love an actress, how beautiful she is, does it?. If we run into each other somehow somewhere someday, come what may, I will still be the same as I have been before. I just say something necessary if need be. If that be an impolite error , then I cheerfully accept it. The reason I take that for right that I love honesty so much as I used to love you. If you would write to me like in this letter, no wonder that I will not reply to yours, by the way I want to tell you that you may as well not call me, if you don´t like.



I have something more to recount Hoang´s plan. Now he is just knocking himself out trying to make his dream to study abroad come true. He said no detail but I know he is edging closer to reaching his destination when there stand some official permissions on his table. He has been angering you so much when you still advise him not to live away from your parents, not to bite off more than he can chew. he told me that he couldn´t see eye to eye with you on this matter. He said he had his own dreams to realize, enough ability to keep up with requests of universities, he had applied for, for a good student. anyway he spent just some years there. Once your parents, Hoang and I were eating out together when Hoang claimed that No one can get in his way. All in all, I think he has right to decide what belongs to him and you should put up with his thoughts as the others in your family, along with me, have respected your decision. He has a lot to share with you, though.



I also visited Nga a month ago. She has given birth to a baby girl. Nga and Nam (now we call Thomas Nam) have named her after a famous actress, Trà Giang. The baby was 3,2 kilo weighty when born and looks like she has everything best from the parents. Nga plays some pieces of music and tell some stories to her everyday. Nga wants her soul to be filled with the music and art. There are a lot to be about Chấn Hưng. He is so active and so proactive. He said to his teacher that he hoped the teacher to love them, the children, and had nothing to be angry at the children. He also asked when you came and brought candy to him. They are so happy to have such lovely children. Nga also felt so sorry not to have kept in touch with you. Let it be me, I would call and ask her about Trà Giang as well as Chấn Hưng. Come what may, they are your close friends. Nga has said nothing critical to you, if anything, those were just goodies she wished for you. Don´t tell that you have not recognized her kindness yet. You are not that foolish. Nga would rather that she meets you on phone one day.



I am struggling English now, I have some difficulties in improving it, especially for speaking. I hope you to make out what I have written here.

[cicadas]

Ánh mắt mùa thu





Em tạc nỗi buồn vào đáy mắt.

Gợi nhớ bản tăng gô số ba

Hoàng hôn vụt tắt trên hàng cây

Lạ quen những nẻo đường Hà Nội



Em ghim phố giữa tranh mầu nước

Có gió may về giữa sớm khuya.

Bác phu xe kéo đêm còm cõi.

Gói rét thu, sen cốm vội vàng.



Em giửi tình yêu vào khúc hát

Mẹ ru em tóc nhạt theo chiều.

Á ơi á, kiến lửa tha mưa.

Ơi á ơi, trời mưa rách nón.



Em giấu thăng trầm vào góc khuất.

Để bàn tay chuốt lướt cung thương.

Nụ cười của nắng, thu vừa nhẹ.

Làn da em, muốt cánh hoa sưa.



Em lỡ tình anh vì nhịp bước.

Của Sài Thành náo nhiệt phồn hoa

Và con đường nối những bờ xa.

Đại lộ dẫn về miền đất hứa?



Anh cất hình em trong kí ức

Vẫn sợ thời gian làm nhạt nhòa

Cứ mỗi độ heo may xuống phố

Có người vẽ phác bức tranh xưa.





P/S: Tặng em bài thơ anh viết vào một ngày cuối thu 2006.