Help to correct my writing. [Need help]

[palabattle]

Hi everybody,

I have written a CV or a resume in English. To make sure it is corrected in grammar and sentence patterns, I’m doing my favor to ask everyone for a help to correct my writing. Could everybody help me for this? I guess that we will have a good discussion in my topic. There is only one part of my CV, and it is a little bit short, so don’t worry about it. We just make fun for our job to correct it. The paragraph as follow:


PERSONAL BACKGROUND

I’m living with my parents and my younger sister. My family has 4 members. My father is a veteran and my mother is a doctor. My father also worked in the hospital before he was a veteran. In 1970 my parents has work together in Saigon Hospital, then they get marriage in 1976. Now, my father is retired and my mother still being a doctor at Saigon Hospital. From 1985, my family had moved to Cao Lanh – Dong Thap province to live and I was porn here. After two years, I had a younger sister. In 2003, my family had moved to Hochiminh city to live due to my studying at college. After 4 years study at college, I get a job at Legamex Company and worked here for almost three years. After that I quit the job and study at Saigon Institute of Technology in 2006. At this time, I was graduated student from Houston Community College and finding a good job.

In my work objective, I’m always working hard and looking the job as a passion. For me, to complete the work is the most important factor. In addition, I have a motto for my working is always loyal to the organization and look at the organization as a part of my family. Finally, I always try to open minded for good opportunities for my organization, and help to develop my organization in a good way.

In the future, I will try to earn money, and gain experience with my job. I will create new methods or new knowledge in the information technology industry. And if I have time and money, I will continue study at SaigonTech to take the university degree.


I hope everybody feel pleasure to help me.
Regard
Palabattle

[mistylexy]

Hi Palabattle! What job are you applying for? Are these information really significant in your CV? Do you need to write everything in a paragraph form?

[iPropose]

I hope you're not planning to send this out to any recruiter soon. There are several flaws in here that I see.

(1) Suppose I were a prospective employer, I DO NOT care or interest to know about your entire family's history, unless it is closely related and relevant to your applied position. Your first paragraph tells me nothing of you in regard to work ethics, work history, or career perspectives. You should as well take it out entirely.
(2) Perhaps the culture that I grew up with and live in is different from where you are, but here's my opinion. When you throw in the facts that both your parents are doctors, my first impression is that you want to impress me with your parents' career. This DOES NOT impress me at all. Instead, I am having an impression that you want to impose their careers and accomplishments on top of yours, which leading me to suspect that you have nothing to show me. Just by this alone, your resume along with your letter will end up in the denial pile, if not in the trash can. I'm being very serious and honest here.
(3) Your chosen career and profession should be at the very first paragraph so that I can know what you are. It shouldn't be a mystery for me to find out until the end of your letter.
(4) Please please please do not mention about money. I know that you need money to pursue your dream career, or else you wouldn't be looking for a job, would you? I want to know what aspired you to this career, what was the inspiration for your study, what you would like to achieve if you are hired to your desired position.
(5) You indicated that you changed jobs several times, you might want to tell me the reasons (although not necessarily unless they can show that you have advanced through each position and those were professional choices).
(6) I would like to know how you grow professionally through all of these job hoppings.
(7) Please check your vocabulary carefully. "You were BORN" and not "PORN". Please look up the dictionary for both definitions.

Also, you are not doing us a favor when asking us to help you. You have a favor to ask of us. And honestly, your cover letter needs not to be long unless you have a really strong professional career to discuss. Get to the point. The longer it is and without the appropriate content for discussion, the faster it is your resume will end up under the interviewer's desk.

Regards,
K.

[palabattle]

Hi,

I really feel pleasure for your advices. They are really necessary to me. Somehow they look like advices from my boss ^^. But I think they are really appreciated. My real CV just going like your advices and it hasn't these paragraphs as you told me. Just because they are too long and obviously they not necessary in my resume. Instead of these paragraph, I just list some personal information in a short list but not too much. And I just show it enough to know that I am really need a job.

By the way, the correct form of these paragraphs is already available. Please look at the correct forms as below. For further information about these paragraphs, please contact me by this email: tuyetkimsa@yahoo.com

Finally, thank you guys too much! And this is a return for your help, two songs from very good Japanese animes "True Tears" and "Ai Yori Aoshi" with HD standard. Could you download them?

Link: http://www.mediafire.com/?80on20e03jl0jwn
http://www.mediafire.com/?sf2fpvowtyhvydb


PERSONAL BACKGROUND

I’m living with my parents and my younger sister. My father is a veteran and my mother is a doctor. My father also worked for the army as a doctor before he was a veteran. In 1970 my parents worked together in Saigon Hospital, and they got married in 1976. My father has retired and my mother, at present, is working as a doctor. My younger sister is a student of Hochiminh Medical University. In 1985, my family moved to Cao Lanh – Dong Thap province and I was born there. Two years later, I had a younger sister. In 2003, my family had to move back to Hochiminh city due to my attendance at college. Just after one year study at college, I took a job at Legamex Company and had worked there till I graduated. After that I quitted the job and studied at Saigon Institute of Technology in 2006. At this time, I have graduated from Houston Community College and finding a suitable job.

As for my attitude towards the job, I always consider labor as a passion which always motivates me to work harder and harder. My motto in work is "always faithfully to my organization and see them as my family". Thus, I will try my best to bring much opportunity to my organization and contribute to their development.

In the future, I will try to earn money as well as gain experience with my job. I will create new methods or new knowledge in the information technology industry. And if I have time and money, I will continue study at SaigonTech to take the university degree.


Regard
Kim Sa

[iPropose]

Hi palabattle,
When I pointed out the areas that I think you need to correct, I didn't mean to be bossy. I wanted you to see how bad it would make you look when a stranger reads your Personal Background, especially from the perspective of a recruiter. I think you need to understand that for the CV's purpose, your paragraphs should represent your professional background and NOT your personal biography (even when the header says "Personal Background"). I've reread your paragraphs and disappointedly, I don't see any improvement. I truly admire that you have a very nice and happy family, but it is far from what I am looking for if I were a recruiter.

I'm enclosing a Personal Background below as an example. I've edited out the names of the person and company as well as some other private information. Please look at this as an example and follow the structure if possible, for I think that this is as basic as it can get. Please understand that I don't want to make you feel bad or want to discourage you. What I believe is that if you can get it done right the first time, any difficulty comes after that will be nothing but a breeze. Believe me, you will go back and change this many times as suitable to your career in the future, but the backbone will always be there, and the structure will almost never change.

My name is _____ and I am currently one of _____’s (job titles). I began my time with _____ as a Summer Intern while still enrolled in the University of Texas as an Undergraduate completing my degree in the Jackson School of Geosciences of The University of Texas at Austin. After completing my final semester, based on my hard work, skill and overall enthusiasm shown earlier I was hired full-time. After only a year, I have been made a group leader and have helped train two other employees. I set the bar of expectations for the (department) Group extremely high and believe that _____ will continue to be the leader on the evaluation and optimization of ___ ___ ___ nationally and has inspiring hopes for _____ to become extremely valuable in the international market. Prior to joining _____, I used my geological comprehension as a Geo-Tech, performing research for both UT and TxDOT to better the highways and byways of Texas. My near-future goals are to enroll in graduate school, continue a long-term career involving geology/geophysics and travel extensively.

Sincerely,
K.

[palabattle]

Hi Propose,

Ya! your paragraph is really clear. it seems expressive because it has a lot of interested information. Look like the persons in the paragraph's description is so active and they now how to express their special skills and their future orientations. In addition, this paragraph is really necessary to me, because I will need it to guild me in writing a CV.

By the way, thank you too much. And there is a return for your help ^^. Please download it. This is an opening song of the Japanese Anime "11 Eyes".
Link: http://www.mediafire.com/?b46ak8d9cndyo7s

Regard
Kim Sa