Thầy cô sửa giúp em bài viết về đồ thị.

[studying]

Dear Teachers and friends!
People told me that, I can post my writings here, and there will be someone, who will correct my writings.
This is my writing about a chart with requirement is
This is the Task's requirement:
You should spend about 20 minutes on it.
The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.
This is the graph:
350
( I was trying to make this picture bigger, but I couldnot, I am sorry for this.)
" ....The chart illustrates patterns of using innovation technology at home in United Kingdom from 1996 to 2003 (over the period 1996 to 2003). These technological facilities include: CD player, Mobile phone, home computer and the Internet access.
.......As can be seen clearly from the chart, the general trend was upward over the period. For instance, the percentage of using CD player rose gradually from 60 percent in 1992 to over 80 percent in 2003. Similarly, the percentage of families using home computer increased steadily from 24 percent to 52 percent in the period. In the meantime, the percentage of using mobile phone fluctuated but the trend was upward to almost 65 percent in 2003.The Internet access appeared in houses first time in 1998 or 1999 with the percentage of 10 or around and reached to 42 percent in 2003.
.......The trends of using these four technological applications in houses increased over the period. Modern technologies have been playing an important role in satisfying and improving the standard of living not only in United Kingdom but also all over the world. "
This is a one of two requirement tasks in IELTS examination for writing skill.
I have written 180 words and have spent 25 minutes on it.
I hope my writing will be commented by teachers and friends here. ^^; I'm trying to due with the exam.
Thank you very much for reading my writing.
Em cảm ơn Thầy Cô và các bạn.
Chúc cả nhà một ngày vui.
Minh An

[Bear Lac Loi]

Dear Teachers and friends!
People told me that, I can post my writings here, and there will be someone, who will correct my writings.
This is my writing about a chart with requirement is
This is the Task's requirement:
You should spend about 20 minutes on it.
The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.
This is the graph:
350
( I was trying to make this picture bigger, but I couldnot, I am sorry for this.)
" ....The chart illustrates patterns of using innovation technology at home in United Kingdom from 1996 to 2003 (over the period 1996 to 2003). These technological facilities include: CD player, Mobile phone, home computer and the Internet access.
.......As can be seen clearly from the chart, the general trend was upward over the period. For instance, the percentage of using CD player rose gradually from 60 percent in 1992 to over 80 percent in 2003. Similarly, the percentage of families using home computer increased steadily from 24 percent to 52 percent in the period. In the meantime, the percentage of using mobile phone fluctuated but the trend was upward to almost 65 percent in 2003.The Internet access appeared in houses first time in 1998 or 1999 with the percentage of 10 or around and reached to 42 percent in 2003.
.......The trends of using these four technological applications in houses increased over the period. Modern technologies have been playing an important role in satisfying and improving the standard of living not only in United Kingdom but also all over the world. "
This is a one of two requirement tasks in IELTS examination for writing skill.
I have written 180 words and have spent 25 minutes on it.
I hope my writing will be commented by teachers and friends here. ^^; I'm trying to due with the exam.
Thank you very much for reading my writing.
Em cảm ơn Thầy Cô và các bạn.
Chúc cả nhà một ngày vui.
Minh An
Hello Studying,

Welcome to the ESE forum. Your English is good. However, I would like to revise few word usages in red text, and provide few comments in blue text as below.

--- o0o ---

The chart illustrates patterns of using innovation (modern) technology at home in United Kingdom from 1996 to 2003 (over the period 1996 to 2003) (or between 1996 and 2003). These technological facilities (delete: technological facilities) include: CD player, Mobile phone, home computer and the Internet access.


As can be (delete “can be”) seen clearly from the chart, the general trend was upward over the period (prefer: delete “Over the period”). For instance, the percentage of using (delete: using) CD player (add: access) rose gradually from 60 percent in 1992 to over 80 percent in 2003. Similarly, the percentage of families using home computers increased steadily from 24 percent to 52 percent (How can you tell the exact numbers 24 and 52? Consider using approximate, near, close …) in the (this) period. In the meantime, (prefer: delete “In the meantime”) the percentage of using (delete: using) mobile phone (add: use) fluctuated but the trend was upward to almost 65 percent in 2003 (It’s more like 70% instead of 65%). The Internet access appeared in houses first time in 1998 or 1999 (around 1999) with the percentage of 10 or around and (at around 10 percent then) reached to (delete: to) 42 percent in 2003.


The trends of using (domestic access to) these four technological (technology) applications in houses increased over the period (add: “between 1996 and 2003”). Modern technologies have been playing an important role in satisfying and improving the standard of living not only in United Kingdom but also all over the world (the chart didn’t show that!).

--- o0o ---

Depending on the readers, graphs are read differently. A typical accountant or engineer would consider looking at the numbers the way you’ve described due to their analytical characteristics. Executives, on the other hand, usually look at the graph in order to feel for a bigger picture. They will look at the lines and think about faster, slower, higher, lower, more, less, or relationships between lines instead of a specific number

If I were to present the graph, I would use some numbers for illustration, and I would point out some of the following observations:


The trend was moving upward.
CD player access was the most popular item.
It is curious how the CD line and the computer line are parallel.
Mobile phone started out lower than home computer but quickly caught up and rose past the computer around 2000.
Internet access started late and was at the lowest percentage but came up quickly and finally moved in parallel with the computer usage. The difference between the internet access and the computer usage indicates a steady amount of computers that do not have the Internet Access capability.

I’m not sure if the test would emphasize on English usage or critical thinking. If it was about critical thinking, I would recommend using the bigger-picture approach.

That’s all I got for now. Good luck.

:-)

[studying]

Thank you Bear Lac Loi very much for correcting me . ^^;
Im not quite sure but maybe the test does not require a critical thinking, ^^;.
This is my essay with your correcting.

The chart illustrates patterns of using modern technology at home in United Kingdom over the period 1996 to 2003. These include: CD player, Mobile phone, home computer and the Internet access.


As seen clearly from the chart, the general trend moved upward. For instance, the percentage of CD player access rose gradually from 60 percent in 1992 to over 80 percent in 2003. Similarly, the percentage of families using home computers increased steadily from around 24 percent to near 52 percent in this period. In the meantime, the percentage of mobile phone use fluctuated but the trend was upward to almost 70 percent in 2003. The Internet access appeared around 1999 at around 10 percent then reached 42 percent in 2003. It is noticeable that CD player was more popular than the other three domestic access.

The trends of domestic access to these four technology applications in houses increased over the period between 1996 and 2003.

Moreover, "They will look at the lines and think about faster, slower, higher, lower, more, less, or relationships between lines instead of a specific number" next time, I'll try to describe it as your advice. Im always afraid of making mistake when writing far more in the exam, hihi. However, when writing task 1, I just think of readers can recreate the chart from my writing without look at the chart...Until now, I still believe that is what the task require me to do. I am now considering of this. ^^;
Thank you very much, Thay.
Wish you have a nice day !!!!!!!!!!
Minh An