Diary online

[cicadas]

I often consider diary as a secret notebook, which just I am allowed to "enjoy", to take notes of events worthy remembering, moving stories, sweet memories around my life that have just happened for some time, are happening right now and also possibly will happen in the future or more simply some thoughts, ideas that suddenly appeared in my mind some seconds ago that I never want to fade away.



However I did change my mind today. From now on I take another alternative for my diary. It is an online open book to everyone in the ESE forum. My decision is based on the following thoughts:



Firstly, I am able to improve my English as the tittle motto "Learning while Playing" of this room. Also by writing what I think right here I will more naturally, smoothly and cheerfully tell true stories to my life in the language I am struggling rather than I try to copy what I try to imagine with so virtual or confusing pictures. In addition, if I make some grammatical mistakes or wrong ways to develop my ideas into the writing, I may probably been given some corrections from you all.



Secondly, I have more chances to share my feelings, emotions and intellects, to open my hearts what has been frozen for long because of love with you :D. Besides I hope here in this room to become a place to discuss about the life experience we have undergone and one day I suddenly recognize that I had learned much from the friends here.



Thirdly, yet another reason makes me choose this as a new diary is because of overload of baggage when I travel some where by airplane. Nowadays, there are so many things in need, from a notebook for work to some souvenirs from your homeland for the friends that I will meet. So it is a bit difficult to carry one big book in weight of half kilo that I can´t always open to read at office while it is too easy to soften the difficulty with a laptop connected to internet. ( more easily to cheat the chef :cry: )



Finally, I choose this way to recall my mind so simply as to choose to get married with a girl. I never know if I don´t directly try it out. However, even after using, possibly I will never know whether it is really alright or not, I just hope that all at least seems alright to me :D



Oh my first diary online went in this matter! Thank you for reading it and instructor "chua nghi ra" for opening the room for us. Hopefully we will join your room to share thoughts, emotions and experience with other members of ESE forum.

[cicadas]

It has been more than one year since you left the city for where you are now, where you said you feel better and where you can get away from me.



Sometimes I call your mum to ask about her health as I often did in the past. She just wanted me to explain everything between us to her but how could I interpret this story when I myself knew nothing more? It seemed that she read my shyness and from then she never mentioned it to me again. She once told me that the lemon tree we bought at Buoi market on Thang´s birthday had bloomed. She cared much for it, even she boiled water and cooled it before she irrigated. She said when it had fruit, she would give some to my mum. When I ended the call, she cried again.



On the way back home yesterday I stopped by your family, everyone was good, Hoang was the best pupil of the class last school year, your dad had finished writing the book, he signed, then gave me one but I saw some sadness in their eyes. Since I had no much spare time last days, I could not stay for dinner like I used to do. Your mum saw me out and asked if everything was the same. I tried to make her happy but I could not hide my sorrow from her. Looking at her eyes I just said what I thought: " My feeling to your family remains the same in me forever and for sure" and then I saw her tear again.



It was just sorry for Ni Ni, it did not understand anything, just was happy around us and wagged its while tail. It followed me until midway in the street. I brought it back but deep inside I felt sorry for it so much. Recalling the first day you met it at my home made me confused for a while.



I have another sadness at home, Na Na has left home since yesterday. I searched for it everywhere in the neighborhood and nobody could give me a small clue about it. I have met some guys who may know where it was and asked them for help. I really don´t want to witness it leaving me. I never believe it will turn out to be this way.

Anh Ve Sầu,

As I don't want to tamper with your inner most feelings, I would like to make a comment. Your writing is beautiful. It is simply amazing how you describe your events in such a way that I could "feel" it. My full and utmost respect to you, bro.

May I make some suggestions, please...

- ... stopped by your family, everyone was good, Hoang ...

- ... since yesterday. I searched for it everywhere in the neighborhood and nobody could give me ...

- ... really don´t want to witness it leaving me.

[cicadas]

Dear Mr Huu,



I am very happy that my mistakes have been corrected. That is also why I chose the online diary here rather than somewhere else.



I hope you to correct mine in the next writings.



Thank you so much and wish you a great time.

[cicadas]

Coming back thirty minutes more early than as usual, taking off the white shirt, on the T-shirt, I hurried to cycle firstly through the traffic jam, next through a crowd of a market on a naturally small alley to get through to the guy whom I depended on for help to recapture Na Na.



Although he said on phone that Na Na had been alright except a slight injury on its foreleg, I knew this guy well, there was no reason for him, a gangster, to pity an animal. I felt insecure as long as I had yet to see Na Na by my eyes.



Coming in, keeping calm, pretending as if nothing serious were happening in my mind, I had a quick look at Na Na and then said thanks to him, paid some money for the ransom as well. I held Na Na tight and left.



That had to be a very serious injury. Na Na had a broken bone on the foreleg that I could see. It stopped bleeding from the injury but Na Na had certainly lost much blood. Na Na had descended into their trap for sure.



I asked an old, gardening man if he knew some vets near by. He leaded me to one, just 400 meters far from his home. I shook hands and said thanks to the kind man. To be honest, seen from outside, the doctor office looked like a pharmacy. It was so silent, there was nobody there except for a child. He greeted and asked whether I wanted to buy anything. I explained that my cat needed curing. This appeared to surprise him a bit. He said: “If so, please, wait for my mother about 30 minutes, then my mother will come back”.



I saw Na Na. It looked rather tired but still peaceful as if nothing had happened to it. I just worried whether Na Na ate poisonous food. The only hope for me was that if they used a trap to capture it, they often set no poison. But I never knew until the doctor came back.



Eventually she returned home, but one hour later than the stated time. After some words I requested her to cure Na Na. she said: “To be honest with you, I had no experience in cats”. It made me a bit upset. Finally she agreed to bandage Na Na´s wound but did not make sure if it was poisoned or not.



It was late night, after being fed some small fish I bought in the market on the small alley, Na Na looked much better. Na Na did not jump up the television as usual but lay peacefully on bed, of course with a chain on neck this time, I comforted Na Na: "I like this chain to you, unless both you and I will inflict another disaster again".



I wanted to call you. However I did not do so. Anyway you have had no word to Na Na since you left.

[cicadas]

I had not met a friend for long but some days ago I did.



If Life could be likened to a river, all of lives always flowed and directed itself down into "the ocean". Otherwise it was a dead river.



However each river flowed in its own way. And my friend´s river descended into the "dead ocean". I wanted to tell a story about that piteous river.



The River had childhood like every river else, but fierce one.

Long time ago, there were two large rivers from two directions, then met each other at a point to bear a small one.



Not long after that, unfortunately, people forgot the large rivers forever, their names were erased from the map. they never existed in this life. Their disappearance left the small river alone. And its fierce childhood just began.



It was called a river but a river without water, a dead river. In the early life of the river, droughts came over and over again. its body was chapped, dried and lonesome. Nobody cared about it except that it cared about itself. The more silent it was, the louder people scolded it just because it was not a useful river for people. they thrown all garbage, they could, down into it. Therefore, deep the bottom of the river was filled with dirts. That river existed anyway.



There was still a dream in it. It wished that it would rain one day. Its body was full of water and the cold water would mend all the injuries it inflicted that time. It dreamed of water, silt and peace. It thought somehow it would bring joys, happinesses and pleasures for people by transporting alluvial soil to fields near to it



Then it rained, then river contained fully of water. Its dreams came true. Some people began to award it as a legendary river since it regenerated its life by itself. what a pity that that time didn´t last long. Once the river had more and more water. It easily forgot that it used to be a dead river, that it had dreamed to be a peaceful, useful and rich one.



After that, floods after floods came from the heavy rains.



After a heavy rain, the river was full of water, when it kept raining, the water level still rose and rose, the river were not so peaceful as it used and it wished itself. The river brought an evil genius in itself. it swept all things in its way away. it destroyed all that i met. It was a killer of the life.



One day, it abated and stopped raining. All water, the river used to have, had flowed into ocean for long. No longer did that thing belong to its asset. No sooner had it stopped raining than the first drought appeared again. And it was just the first signal of a series of the coming, new droughts to the river.



The river had no mistake, anyway. Droughts and floods had leaded its life, not by itself.



Some days ago I met a friend behind iron bars of a hotel without bell.

[cicadas]

My Darling,



Recently I have stayed up quite late while having to get up early for work as usual. Sometimes, I feel tired, have no desire to do one of my hobbies. I have given up habit to clean up the house three times a week. It was time to take back what I have lost.



Today I woke up early, not having to work today gave me a comfortable moment that I have shortly become more and more strange to. I stayed on bed and listened to some songs. The same old songs brought both familiar and strange feeling to me. I still love Casablanca, kiss me goodbye, you are the sunshine of my life .... But I wondered what made them more meaningful to me? I look deep into my soul and knew nothing else except I myself. I thought my time away until the postman rang the bell. It has been the first letter since I saw you off, holding it tight, but I didn´t want to open it right that time because I had a work to immediately accomplish, you know if I am to read it I had better finish my work. It´s quite late.



Everything for the trip had been almost prepared. Looking around the sleeping room, living room and kitchen recalled me about a good habit but some weeks ago suddenly disappeared from my mind. I needed to clean up the house before the trip. I said myself: "let´s go".



Laying the books that had been lain everywhere in the house, that I could find everywhere in the house from the stairs, the toilette to under the bed, into the shelves, (however there stood some books in the kitchen that you got to used to reading each time you cooked for me, I didn´t want to move them, because they are not so much books as memories of us), reorganizing my stuffs into where they belong naturally, putting dirty clothes into the washing machine, cleaning the floors, I heard some old melodies, of course some of them were pieces you liked. It didn´t surprise me at all that it didn´t take so long to finish, but a comfortable feeling everywhere in the house made me so pleasant, so cheerful. I came into the store to take some plastic bags to cover my blanket unless when I come back after 2 months away, it will completely overlay with dust.



After all, I filtered a cup of coffee by myself, sitting alone, hearing some music, I read some old novels I thought, I should take more time for myself.



I went to Na Na, that there cat, some time ago it was thought to be killed by dirty hunters, it lay so silently by my side, but ignored me and closed its eyes as if it were sleeping. Thanks to luck, Na Na had not eaten anything poisonous and has got along so far. I said to her: " Tonight I am bringing you to Trung, you must be good when staying at him, ok?" it seemed that Na Na understood what I wanted to express but Na Na looked like ignoring everything.



Tomorrow, before the trip, I will come to Ni Ni to say goodbye. Ni Ni is a bit vivacious, always cheerful and friendly but a bit superficial in comparison to Na Na. Anyway I love both of them so much.



Cleaning the house, drinking something, listening to some music, reading a book and playing with Na Na were one of the most peaceful moments in my life, which will belong to me if I want.



If you knew that I was the same as before you walked away, did you come back to me, my darling? If you should happen to back, I don´t know how to begin again.

[cicadas]

My darling,



That there colleague, he made me troubled today. he forgot to bring the needed document to me again I had tried to contact him before closing time but in vain. I regretted to think of it but I can´t stand to see that guy treating me over and over again. Never has he learned about teamwork where people should help and assist each other in work so much as possible. I wondered if I needed tell it to the chef or exchange my view of work with him first. How dared he block the progress of the work when all was trying to accomplish? He should have known that nobody was allowed to get in the work´s way. I always believe that each is of a gentle and kind nature and that his character is based on the education of his family, society and school. Perhaps if I am to understand him, I had better make a date, listen to his wishes and share my thoughts of work with him. It will have to be a good job for both. However I am about to travel and have no time to do it now but in the future when I come back.



On the way back home, I encountered an old friend at the university time in the street near home. It was the guy Quang "bỉ". Be richer and more successful than before, he told me to eat out together at a big, famous and expensive restaurant next to West lake. However I had to deny that invitation and denied so politely as I could, be it an old friend. He will get married next month and would like to invite me to the wedding party. I should imagine that he would marry the same old girlfriend whom we got to know before, but another girl. That´s that. Some couples loved each other and thought that they would belong to each other forever without being never aware that they were never to meet each other in this life again. His story didn´t upset me, if anything, I felt sorry for the true loves.



I met Ni Ni today again. I was so happy to be with Ni Ni and so was it. Now that you have been away so long, I don´t know whether Ni Ni can recognize you or not and I asked your dad this question. Your dad told: "each time when you call home, he turns on the speaker so that all the family can listen and speak to you and Ni Ni does too. Ni Ni seems to be happy and cheerful when it hears your voice". I love Ni Ni because no matter whatever happens to us, it still loves and greets us with its heart deep inside. If wasn´t for that, I would not love it so much so much. Suddenly I thought about your way to smile at me for the first time, your way, if shy, shone the intelligence in each gesture. I would rather that you loved me this way forever. No matter what comes this life will still go on.



Coming back home, looking through the window, I caught two birds kissing each other in the garden behind the house. I smiled at myself and thought: "how beautiful the life. Nobody is to disturb this moment and I will leave them enjoying their happiness in the silence".



It´s no good my telling so much. I just wish that you are always so happy with your choice.

[cicadas]

My darling,



I have read your letter and the written words to me caused I know that you might just as well greet me with a smile if we encounter each other in the old streets, where was filled with a number of our sweet memories, you will say something positive like :"May you be so happy" or something like a propriety. I have asked you some times when we were together why you lived and behaved in communicating with others as if you were acting a play? You remember how my question has been answered, don´t you? I still keep it clearly in my mind and I want to remind in case you have forgotten: You have calmly replied to me:"If I must live as an actress in the life, then so be it". Be that as it may, your attitude of life has hurt my heart so much. I have just wished to see your true person: an intelligent, nimble, although honest girl. Not everyone loves to love an actress, how beautiful she is, does it?. If we run into each other somehow somewhere someday, come what may, I will still be the same as I have been before. I just say something necessary if need be. If that be an impolite error , then I cheerfully accept it. The reason I take that for right that I love honesty so much as I used to love you. If you would write to me like in this letter, no wonder that I will not reply to yours, by the way I want to tell you that you may as well not call me, if you don´t like.



I have something more to recount Hoang´s plan. Now he is just knocking himself out trying to make his dream to study abroad come true. He said no detail but I know he is edging closer to reaching his destination when there stand some official permissions on his table. He has been angering you so much when you still advise him not to live away from your parents, not to bite off more than he can chew. he told me that he couldn´t see eye to eye with you on this matter. He said he had his own dreams to realize, enough ability to keep up with requests of universities, he had applied for, for a good student. anyway he spent just some years there. Once your parents, Hoang and I were eating out together when Hoang claimed that No one can get in his way. All in all, I think he has right to decide what belongs to him and you should put up with his thoughts as the others in your family, along with me, have respected your decision. He has a lot to share with you, though.



I also visited Nga a month ago. She has given birth to a baby girl. Nga and Nam (now we call Thomas Nam) have named her after a famous actress, Trà Giang. The baby was 3,2 kilo weighty when born and looks like she has everything best from the parents. Nga plays some pieces of music and tell some stories to her everyday. Nga wants her soul to be filled with the music and art. There are a lot to be about Chấn Hưng. He is so active and so proactive. He said to his teacher that he hoped the teacher to love them, the children, and had nothing to be angry at the children. He also asked when you came and brought candy to him. They are so happy to have such lovely children. Nga also felt so sorry not to have kept in touch with you. Let it be me, I would call and ask her about Trà Giang as well as Chấn Hưng. Come what may, they are your close friends. Nga has said nothing critical to you, if anything, those were just goodies she wished for you. Don´t tell that you have not recognized her kindness yet. You are not that foolish. Nga would rather that she meets you on phone one day.



I am struggling English now, I have some difficulties in improving it, especially for speaking. I hope you to make out what I have written here.

[cicadas]

Ánh mắt mùa thu





Em tạc nỗi buồn vào đáy mắt.

Gợi nhớ bản tăng gô số ba

Hoàng hôn vụt tắt trên hàng cây

Lạ quen những nẻo đường Hà Nội



Em ghim phố giữa tranh mầu nước

Có gió may về giữa sớm khuya.

Bác phu xe kéo đêm còm cõi.

Gói rét thu, sen cốm vội vàng.



Em giửi tình yêu vào khúc hát

Mẹ ru em tóc nhạt theo chiều.

Á ơi á, kiến lửa tha mưa.

Ơi á ơi, trời mưa rách nón.



Em giấu thăng trầm vào góc khuất.

Để bàn tay chuốt lướt cung thương.

Nụ cười của nắng, thu vừa nhẹ.

Làn da em, muốt cánh hoa sưa.



Em lỡ tình anh vì nhịp bước.

Của Sài Thành náo nhiệt phồn hoa

Và con đường nối những bờ xa.

Đại lộ dẫn về miền đất hứa?



Anh cất hình em trong kí ức

Vẫn sợ thời gian làm nhạt nhòa

Cứ mỗi độ heo may xuống phố

Có người vẽ phác bức tranh xưa.





P/S: Tặng em bài thơ anh viết vào một ngày cuối thu 2006.

[cicadas]

My Darling



Today we organized a small party with some cakes and coffee to welcome a new co-worker from China, namely from Shanghai. We will associate with each other in a project for eight months. We were all very happy to get to know him. I was responsible for directing him some things that he needed to be familiar with at office. and then I invited him to a lunch at cafeteria. We spent some joyful time together. He is quite a kind man as I have felt so far. Anyway, I should be careful of a new relationship.



I have told you so many stories in common except ones at work in the past, but today I will recounter one I had experienced. I had ever worked with a Chinese guy before new one today. It was about one guy who just looked up to his own country and looked down to the other´s and about the other one who was so intolerant, who just couldn´t stand for that all. It had a sad story beginning.



I was a newcomer at that time and worked in a team with a Chinese partner. We were at the same room at office. Besides task we had to carry out, it was just a joy for me to approach others with different cultures.



At the beginning everything seemed to be alright. We said hello at the morning, having the lunch together and wished a goodnight for each other before closing time. But when time went by, he posed some problems which I tried to meet him halfway but I failed in realizing that wish, in seeing him halfway. One of us had to leave the project for another. I chose to stay and he decided to step down. It was just a bad memory. Sometimes people look at some things through someone else´s eyes, not through their selves. At that time, it was about some political points of view. I could not imagine how he could think his country was great and mine was just small. He considered Vietnam as nothing else than a poor place and that poor, uncivilized place was a totally dependent one to the great China. I tried not to mention that topic and I ignored almost of them, no matter what he talk about. I just told myself that I had to get rid of it from my mind. But everything had its own limit. It was when both of them lost our temper and descended into a childish argument about things not relating to the work at all. I said about a rejuvenating Vietnam after a long time of series of wars, about our history to fight against invaders, about my pride of what we got .... while he just tried to underestimate us by letting on a "great China" in every areas, by asking me about the new and modern technologies Vietnam could have producted, and so on. To be honest I had many interests, lusts to make all of them clear but I didn´t want to end up in those things. once I was in silence, he just came on and on. It was so typical a character of not all, but a lot of Chinese. It was so bad, unacceptable and impolite a behavior at office. Therefore I couldn´t control myself and neither did he at that night as I invited him to my room for the dinner.



In fact there were some things I wanted to speak out. It centred surely around the border, about the sea waters that made us so confused, that helped China swell out by making Vietnam shrink and something bad China just posed to Vietnam. But I was not all that stupid, I said nothing anymore. It was because I didn´t want to hurt him and myself anymore and to worsen the relationship as co-workers. But since then, we had not been finding the joy when we met. I thought It was not worth saying about and happening to us but it had happened, possibly expectedly, and gone off before I was really well aware of the dangers it could pose. That harmed both, not only one. After all, He sent an email to me to apology, and so did I. Although he softened that by some "sweet words", I had to confess that each time I heard the song Imagine of John Lennon, I knew what the talented singer, artist and my idol wished was just a dream impossible to come true as long as there exist countries that just want to control others by depression and power on this world like his country. It is a bias embedded in my mind, isn´t it? So I will try to break it this time.



I think, believe there will be no the same matter this time, because I know how to avoid what I need to avoid. In addition, each had each own point of view about life, not everyone loves killing himself by thing like that.



I want to remind myself about that a bit bitter experience by taking it down here. No politics, no border, no sea waters, no sino-vietnamese relationship .... at work.



I also don´t know why but you are the only one I want to define in when I have happiness, joy, pleasure as well as sorrow, trouble, pain. It is because I love you, isn´t it? I think the reason I wrote so much to you these days that these letters are unsent ones to you, anyway. If we were still together, I would not possibly tell you since I am a man not to want to bring troubles at work back home. I´m so so sorry to have listed so many things that you may not interest yourself in.



I love writing more and more. However it is time to concentrate on the work. Wish you all the best.

[cicadas]

My darling,



As you well know, for a long time I have not written much about the social topics. Yesterday I joined a running race with some friends from different countries. Of course we made it just for fun. After dinner each told about the physical activities in his own country. I am very sorry to have to say about the situation in Hanoi yet anyway I wanted to tell the truth which we have ever discussed before.



No playing space for children



Physical activities of children after school time in Hanoi are facing a variety of challenges such as no encouragement, no time and overall no infrastructure. (Each obstacle of which has a dialectical relationship to the others. But in the whole, the main reason grows out of the improper attitude of physical education at school, at home and at society. This view of point will be mentioned in another opportunity in the future). Today it will be focused on the lack of infrastructure like playgrounds, gyms, pedestrian areas and so on and forth.



I don´t forget one time when my university class established a football team, the team needed a place to play and we didn´t have to be an old hand to know that there was never any pitch for free in Hanoi. It was even difficult to rent a playground to train just one time a week. The same problems happened to those who wanted to look for a basketball or volleyball pitch. Now I still count how many football grounds Hanoi has for amateurs, just as we often call, they are "san truong y", "san thuong dinh", "san giang vo", and just some more.



There are so many reasons to explain why playing space does not suffice to the children and the way to make the problem clear depends on specific profession, awareness about society, level of interest… For example, some of my friends who work as architect or civil engineering accuse the authorities of not having a whole look at city planning. Some whose job relates to social matters, especially for educators, think that cause for that is why educational officers do improperly care about the importance level of physical activities. Others who belong to the low social class argue that nowadays there is not enough land for building houses hence no playground for children is uncomplicatedly comprehensive. A number of parents, who consider pass of entrance exam into university as the only way to the future, also believe that the main subjects like mathematics, physics or chemic are the only sufficient conditions to succeed in life, so they concentrate their children just on learning those rather than let their kids have time on exercise. Nowadays Hanoi is developing its economy so fast, this means that its population increases so fast ( about 4 million) while infrastructure almost remains the same to 20 years ago when the size of population was just a haft of that of today. as a consequence, people use pavements as a place for bussiness. It leads to a fact that children have no chance to ride on bicycle on where belongs to their right.…. In short, no matter which reason is reckoned to be “culprit” there is the fact that children in one of the largest and most modern cities in Vietnam have no choice for their physical activities both at school and at home.



As a result of lacking movements, more and more children become a couch potato. Instead of riding on a bicycle, playing football with other children, taking a walk in pedestrian areas or joining a dancing class, they clue their eyes on television, computer screen.



And this habit causes in a real consequence that the children suffer from such as being too passive, too selfish or overweight and overall a weak substance. For instance some children after watching a lot of violent films have no reaction or too passive one to action as a man is hitting a woman that they see on street in the real life. Furthermore a seriously increasing number of children don´t care about grandmother or relatives at all, even when their forefather come to visit, they stay and linger at his room as a natural behaviour without knowing that they are too selfish. Meanwhile image of overweight kids on the daily street are not strange to us anymore. And we also can´t deny a fact that substance of our children is ranked as one of the weakest on the world. Vietnamese kids are considered as being relatively weak in comparison to those of the neighbouring countries like Malaysia, Singapore or Thailand.



This also means that their ability to create, to imagine, to work in team, to discover the universe … is totally killed. As we all well know, there are so many functional parts which are in charge of definite skills in the human brain. Those will develop themselves if they are usually used, in contrast they will shrink or even disappear if they are forgotten whereas studies have showed that while watching TV, we don´t let our brain think, create, imagine or something like these activities, we just see everything on screen very passively. Hence our ability to make images in the mind will be limited at first. If habit to sit so long before TV lasts years after years then functions of our brain hardly works.



Meanwhile physical activities enable the brain to develop, enhence ability to remember, to learn and to integrate inot society. A lot of phychological scientists have made experiments about this thesis and come to conclusion that the more activities children take, the more we can succeed. Such the studies emphasize the importance of children´s exercises.



It is time for us to get our foot in the door. The first step is to generate enough space for children to take the physical activitities, otherwise we will have so expensive a price to pay which we must not suffer but our offsprings.

[cicadas]

My Darling,



Yet more fall of gold leaves is arriving in the town hastliy, bringing the colder days back here, making me recall about a day three years ago, in whose early morning I wandered feelingfully around the same big park to collect the autumn leaves for you. But it seems that the fall of today is coming much earlier than that of yesterday. I felt much colder as coming back under the same trees of the past, there were more leaves that fell down the less green grass and in that place there came less joggers. I have picked some leaves up for myself, and possibly also for someone else that I have yet to meet. One of which is Ginkgo leaf, looks like a shape of a broken heart with four veins which the natives here believe would send luck in love to its owner. I don´t believe in that superstition since the fact said the truth to me. I just went home in time to get changed for office. It was time for me to face the realistic life and to focus my passion on the plan I am executing. I hope to pull off the plan I am executing at this time.



I, along with two friends, had lunch at a small Indian restaurant whose waiters didn´t speak german so well but very friendly to us. It gave us more sympathy for that place than somewhere else people can speak a language perfectly, courteously but not heartily. The food tasted very delicious and on time. As its owner was learned that there was an asian costumer in his restaurant, he himself carried three cups of coffee for free to us, in return we left more tip than as usual and we will be there someday again. I think sometimes love is easy to be definited, it doesn´t need debating so hotly by complicated phylosophers.



You often argued that there is no man in the world but want to succeed in what he is doing. So much for it, it is naturally right in any case. But if looking into our passion, desire and love, then we will find out that they are not strong enough to win challenges, ourselves, or simply our selfishness. You want to become a successful woman in carreer and I have never prevented your dream from coming true if it makes you happier. You want to win the game but you are afraid of its playing rules. If the way people here compete unfairly is fair in its own way, then the way people there come to top fairly is also unfair in its own way. I think we had better stay the same place where the challenges stand to face them instead to flee to seek for less difficult ones. If you call here as a dog-eat-dog world, then I believe that you should call where you live now the same name. I want you not to forget that the world is just a honest flat mirror. That means that the nature of the world is reflected in your own views on it, nothing more or less I think. However you know what you want to gain in your ambitionous life and I know which destination I knock myself out in order to reach. What a pity that we don´t go the same way. Nobody of us can blame the way for not being the same orbit as the other, because the ways could not choose us, but we ourselves chose them. Now we can wish each other to stick to decisions we have taken.



Right now when I am sitting writing these words, my heart bursts out being silent.

[cicadas]

My Darling,



Today evening I spent my whole free time on learning and trying to improve my poor English, especially for speaking skill. Fortunately, there was a public-speaking lesson about topic "If forgiveness is hard or easy for you" run by the instructor Kevinchum and then I didn´t hesitate to join it. I will rewrite my speed to you as a small experience that I, as being one of your close friends want you to probably learn from.



"I would like to thank you, Kevinchum and you all in the room for giving me a good chance to talk about the useful topic if the forgiveness is hard or easy for me.



I often hear some people say that it is so hard to forgive. I can´t deny this point of view. However in my experience I believe I can learn and in fact I have learnt how to tolerate.



I have once wondered why I should forgive my fellow men for their mistakes. I have answered myself because I think that the forgiveness is the only way for me to free myself from all the sorrow, the sadness, the pain and so on I has undergone. I believe that there is nobody who can make me upset if I always feel happy and friendly to myself and to him.



I had to find out in the past how to get familiar to habit to forgive. Firstly I tried to accept myself anyway, I respect, love and care myself and feel happy with everything that I have at the present. Secondly I learn to listen to others. No matter what they do, they say, I just try to understand them more and more. I would like to make friend with those who may disagree with me on some matters of the life. Thirdly I want to live more and more. I would like to collect more experience in life, to meet more fates and to study more even prejudeces in order to easily understand and to more easily forgive. Finally I always think of the futute, not of the past although I don´t forget it. I try to follow my long term plan and to execute it. I think that everything bad, even really bad, that has happened to me in the past will be over and never appear again. The new life will go on.



I have also asked myself what I have, am and will benefit from the forgiveness. I believe that if I know how to give my forgiveness to myself, to people around me, then I will live a happier life. When I am not sad at all, I can better concentrate all my craft, my love, my passion and my desire on what I want to reach. In short, it makes my life easier and happier.



I would like to thank you all again for paying your attention to me and forgiving my mistakes that I may have made.



Do you have any question to me? I am very happy to answer it if I can answer. Thank you"



My darling, I have tried to express my thoughts in English and have tried to learn some lessons worthy remembering from other members in the room. I hope you to live and give more forgiveness and overall to yourself. I wish you all the best and overcome all the challenges you are facing.

[gdpt-]

Cicadas,



Wow, your posts are quite interesting to read. I can tell that you are an optimistic person who is appreciative of what life has to offer. Seriously, we need more people like you. :)



"You can forgive, but you can never forget."



That quote has been with me for as long as I can remember. It's nice to forgive because everyone makes mistakes. There is not a single soul on this living planet that has never committed a wrongful doing based on their act of negligence. Mistakes are part of life. Hahaa, I'd be a victim of lying if I said I've never made a mistake :)



However, there are limitations to everything. Eventually, those "mistakes" will turn into habits and habits are intentional. Can you really forgive someone for purposely hurting you emotionally and/or physically? When is a "mistake" no longer a "mistake?" If we forgive people for their mistakes......... wouldn't we be encouraging them of making more mistakes??



"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."



Uh oh, gotta go. Hehehe, I'll write more when I have time :)

[cicadas]

gdpt-,



Firstly I would like to say a hearty thank for your sharing the thought, feelings and attitudes about the life in general and the topic "forgiveness" in particular to you. Furthermore I love to say that I like your way to approach and argue an issue. And after all I would love to have a look at a needed limitation to everything that you have mentioned in the previous post.



I absolutely agree with you that there should be limitations to almost of everything and that if we are not well aware of imposing the limitation of action on mistakes, then those mistakes can turn into habits. In other words we would accidently condone and enable mistakes on purpose, over and over again to exist in social life. So we must not confuse the concept of forgiving and condoning blindly.



In addition, I want to make clear that action of forgiving for a mistake does not have the same meaning as that of accepting a wrong behaviour. Everyone knows that life itself is hard. We always have to be for the good and agaist the evil. I am always one of the first in my family, at work to fight against amoral actions. I know that I fight for the small society around me and including me to be bettered and above all others for those who have acted wrongly so that they recognise themselves and their blunders, so that they have chance to change themselves and correct their errors. In this case I am fighting, and just forgive as long as they need forgiving. In my humble opinion, if we will try to set a definite limitation, for example we don´t put up with an unacceptable behaviour and as result we stop fighting or ignore, this can lead to consequence that we ourselves block way to come back to someone.



To change a bad habit of one person, especially for an adult, is not easy at all. To beak it we need to be of sound mind. In my opinion one of good tactics to kick and remove it from his mind is to love and forgive him for his mistakes unconditionally. The fact has pointed out that an unconditional unlimited love can be the only medicine able to amend the most criminal soul into good one.



If he changes his mind, it is all that we wish.



In case he still does wrong intentionally or on purpose, we will keep fighting and fighting by some way or other. We know those who love peace most are most ready to get into theater of the war, regardless of their own life, limitationlessly and conditionlessly, to fight for peace.



In brief, the most important meaning of forgiveness is to create the best conditions in order that each individual, each life can enhence more and more true, good and beautiful value in itself. Unless we must keep struggling rather than forgiving.



I think that you were so serious when talking about this topic, so I have tried to express my thoughts so seriously to the best of my knowledge.



Thank you so much and hope to read your reply soon.

[cicadas]

My Darling,



You have once asked me naively what happiness meant to my life. At that time, I was awkward to reply to you that happiness for me was always by your side every morning I wake up despite all. But today if you gave me the same one, I would say that happiness for me of today is rather different from that I whispered into your ear some years ago. My happiness without you is one thing so simple, although so magical that I just wish that I had enough rhetoric to recount it to you right now.



One of the happinest moments in my life was to listen to lulabies that my mother used to sing to me each night I fell asleep, that I also got used to having before getting to sleep each summer night and each winter night, was to hear stories my mother tirelessly told day in and day out with the only wish that my soul would be filled with the true, good and beautiful value of the music, art, knowledge and faith. That is when my mother was mothering my life.



One of the instants worthiest thinking of throughout my life so far was to be with you. I can list hundred of mental keepsakes between us. They were so usual as everything usual else. I will not forget the period of time I cleaned up the house to prepare for your birthday one lightly sunny day of still little cold April 2003 while you were cooking singing some songs I loved. I wonder how I can forget the raining night of July we stood in front of Opera House, it never eased off hence you put on almost 20 songs in English to teach me how to speak this language with intonation, pitch and fluence until it stopped raining. You always instructed me to hard learn it and I obeyed your commands so dutifully as one private did what a sublieutenant of his unit asked without any question. It is not that easy to forget at all when you bursted out crying before agreeing to let me go abroad for study. Almost three years are nothing to the eternity of the universe, in comparison to its long existence, they are so short that they seem to disappear on the time ruler, but for a material girl nowadays, even one year away from her boyfriend is long enough time period to stop waiting and hoping. Because you were mine, you overcame yourself until we reunited and so did I. I still belonged to you and you still belonged to me after so long a time of waiting and expecting. I thought all in all nothing could separate one´s love from the other´s. Nothing can get that period of time away from me ... That is when I was living my real life in an unrealistic world of love.



Time after time could go by and sweep many things away with itself as rivers forget themselves in work to transport water into ocean in order that that water never comes back where it once passed by. There were some hopeless jiffies I thought there had been nothing left to recall about, to keep in mind and to refresh our soul. But after all, in my heart there remain some things most deepfelt to suddenly glow one day. That is when I knew there are still so many things to die for.



Now is time, each time I think of the happiness, I think not only of you, life with you, but also of life without you besides. I called quite this strange feelings to me the simple happiness.



I am sure that you were complaining about my rambling and long story if you did read this letter. And I can imagine what you would expect me to say.



My darling,



one of the unforgettable experiences in my life is when a absolute stranger, whom you didn´t need to be jealous of because she is at age of my older brother, because I have never met her, and because I respect her as an older sister in the family supposing that you still loved me, whose voice I often hear each time I join the online lessons without webcam or private questions, who teached me how to spell th in the word "that" and th in the word "think" as you were in effort to show me the ropes, sung some lulabies, one in our language and two in English, to us in one english class online. There were about 15 other members in the class but I forgot all, just felt as if she seemed to sing just for me. I thought of my mother, of you so much when her voice resounded in all the empty space I was sitting. She of that time in my mind appeared to be either my mother or you, but simultaneously neither my mother nor you. I felt a confusing feeling running in me. That is when friends around but far away from me - I believe she will allow me to call her so and she will never mind at all - were reminding me about the magic the life can present to each if he knows how to receive it.



And that is the more than happy happiness I have ever enjoyed since you abandoned me. And that is the most simple happiness, much different from that I have ever wished, in my life. That is when I can exist on myself.



My darling,



I can´t believe that I can write such the words to you with a wilting heart, much less post them online.



I wish you to be who you used to be.

[cicadas]

My darling,



You would rather have put a question to me each day. Three years ago, just some days ahead of middle of the autumn 2004, you wrote a letter which contained just a row with the only question how the family life meant to me while I replied to you with a series of images I had imagined and as far as I remember, I seriously compared the family life to a state system. I accidentally read an online article linking the family life to a game yesterday. The author´s arguments are a far cry from mine, the way he raised the issue is a little familiar. After reading, all the words of the past brought back so beautiful the dreams and the love we once nursed.



I thought that the world that belonged to you only would wear off in me just within some months following the goodbye. I tried, learned how to forget what I no longer owed, let alone thought of you. However I could not go all the way I failed in realizing my wish, my plan although I looked for your mistakes on purpose as reasons to eliminate your image from my mind. Sometimes everything seemed to have eased off when I went out and ate out with more girls. Yet just a sudden dream of you could spark a sleepless night.



I hard researched in my mind how I have detainedly compared the family life to the state system although I could keep it in mind on the whole. Day after day has taken a partial story away from me. Time was a guy who professionally stole memories from me, whom I never accused of his action, though and whose action I did even support for.



Yes, I have written that a family was the smallest individual of the society but that tinny part always contained the model of the society system where the legislative, executive and judicial bodies had to exist independently of each other. But because of the limit of the number of the members in our family, firstly we should gather a team to work as a so-called congress so that all the laws of our family were drafted and edited. That means that our family would function on the definite basic principles that I called our family constitution according to that all the detailed decisions, long or short term plans, behaviours, daily activities and so on would be taken and the constitution would be reviewed each two years. And then as the next step we had to establish a government whose main task was to focus itself on executing all the plans, decisions, desires…Since any governmental framework was in need of at least the ministries of education and training, finance, diplomacy and culture. So studying abroad, learning languages were the first priority which the ministry of education had directed and we both had the destination to try to reach. At the same time, we learned to strengthen the available bonds and broaden the new ones, although necessary for development. You often advised that I learn to play some musical instruments because you thought that the arts would play a role as the wings to help lift us over challenges we would face. It was reason that we would join some classical dancing classes, that we would participate in guitar lessons while you kept singing and I did not lay off the habit to create poems in the spare time. Finally, at each weekend, at each end of each moth and year we should review what we had succeeded as well as failed as a judicial body. We had to comment, assess both success and failure really objectively. If we could do what we planed, then we would be rewarded and otherwise punished. Before bringing that letter to the end, I had consulted you about how we could avoid the situation in which we played role as both the players and the referee in a game. It was always because I was afraid that although our family could end up not controling ourselves, giving ourselves a right to break our laws, not holding on to our plans, desires, loves...., that we complimented ourselves as winners while we were worthy losers. Your answer was a 8-site letter with so much love that you attached. We had a joint destination where I longed for. I had waited for you at rendezvous for the trip. However you simply haven´t showed up.



I remembered writing to you much more than that I took down in this letter. Because at that time we both were interesting in acting a play in which you and I respectively had to answer the other´s questions in a formal matter to improve the writing and communicating skill, as well as to make life more interesting as you said, I felt like writing much more than now when I am running into a monologue.



Although water is falling down dogs and cats, every rain will come to end. I know that I can bear with myself to wait for one day my love to you will die down.

[cicadas]

Mẹ kính yêu,



Bao giờ cũng vậy, cứ độ tháng 6, tháng 7 âm lịch, mẹ đã dạm hỏi chỗ này chỗ kia mua cho kì được dăm mét vải đủ may mấy bộ quần áo mới cho anh em con để đón trung thu. Cái thời ấy, cái gì cũng đăng kí, sao mà nó khó khăn đến vậy. Có bận mẹ phải lặn lội về dì Hoa ở tận nhà máy dệt Nam định, nhờ dì tìm mua lại của cánh công nhân mấy mét vải hoa cho chị, dăm mảnh kaki cho anh và con. Nhưng cũng có năm nhà mình khó khăn quá mà nào con đâu có biết nếu con không thức giấc đêm ấy. Bữa tối nhà ăn canh cua mồng tơi, nửa đêm con thức giấc thấy mẹ vẫn ngồi đan len. Con chạy ù ra ngoài một lát, rồi lao vào lòng mẹ ngay mà mắt vẫn còn gà gật. Mẹ ngừng tay đan, xoa xoa lưng con, mẹ vỗ về bảo: "lên giường ngủ đi con, mai còn dậy sớm học bài". Con ngoan ngoãn vâng lời mẹ chui tọt vào trong chiếc màn tuyn trắng mẹ mua năm ngoài. Con nằm thiu thiu một lát thì mẹ tắt đèn rồi vào nằm cạnh, mẹ phe phẩy quạt và gợi chuyện trung thu. Tự nhiên trong người con phấn chấn lạ thường, cứ nghĩ đến mấy bộ quần áo mới, bánh dẻo, bánh nướng, đèn táo quân, mâm hoa quả là mắt con lại thao thức. Bỗng mẹ dịu giọng kể rằng bố biên thư về, tết trung thu này bố phải đi công tác miền nam. Con nghe tiếng mẹ nấc nhẹ, mẹ khóc vì bố không về làm đèn táo quân cho chúng con ử? con đã gặng hỏi mẹ thế. Mẹ bảo không phải vì thế mà mẹ khóc. Bố vì công tác nên vắng mặt thôi chứ bô không bao giờ muốn thế. Mẹ khẳng định chắc nịch rằng dù thế nào đi nữa bố cũng sẽ về thăm mấy mẹ con và làm đèn cho các con rồi mới đi. Mẹ vẫn nghèn nghẹn bảo mẹ sẽ nói với bố làm cho con chiếc đèn táo quân to hơn năm trước. Nghe mẹ nói vậy tôi phấn chấn hẳn lên nhưng sao mẹ vẫn buồn. Rồi mẹ bảo thôi, ngủ đi con, mai con còn đi học. Con không hỏi thêm mẹ nữa, hồi đó con nhỏ dại những vẫn biết mẹ còn phải thức dậy sớm để chuẩn bị hàng. Từ dạo mẹ thôi làm việc trong bệnh viện, chả có lúc nào mẹ được thảnh thơi. Chiều hôm sau, trong lúc nhóm lò, con đem chuyện đêm qua kể với anh con. Anh con bảo mẹ khóc vì năm nay nhà mình khó khăn quá, mà vải cũng khan hiếm nữa. Mẹ định chỉ may mỗi áo mới cho chị thôi vì chị là con gái nhưng lòng mẹ băn khoăn không nguôi. Buổi tối, khi mẹ sang bên bà, anh mới gọi hai chị em con lại và kể chuyện bà ốm, mẹ phải lo thuốc thang chữa bệnh cho bà, mà mẹ thì mới đi buôn lần đầu, có lần còn lỗ, có bữa bị người ta gạt hết tiền. Cuối cùng chúng con thống nhất năm nay không cần quần áo mới nữa, dù sao thì chúng con cũng có nhiều quần áo rồi, mà cũng còn mới chán. Chúng con đã xếp hàng sau bữa tối để trình bày với mẹ. Anh và chị lớn hơn, có lý do tế nhị hơn. Con ngày ấy bé quá, chả biết nói thế nào chỉ ấp úng mấy từ. Con nhớ mãi mẹ nở nụ cười như mừng vì các con đã khôn lớn hơn, mà mắt mẹ vẫn đượm buồn.



Còn ba ngày nữa là trung thu, chú Thức cơ quan bố nghé qua, mang theo thư và quà của bố. Chúng con chưa dám bóc vội, chú Thức lán lại một lát rồi cũng vội đi ngay. Hôm ấy mẹ về muộn, lồng bàn cơm ngôi im bên gói quà của bố. Rồi mẹ về, nhưng mẹ đề nghị chưa mở quà của bộ vội. Đợi sắp trung thu hãy mở. Chúng con đã rất hồi hộp ngày ấy mà không dám nói ra. Nhưng giờ thì con hiểu là mẹ muốn dạy cho chúng con đức tính kiên nhẫn và sẽ gìn giữ trân trọng món quà của bố hơn.



Vì bố không về, anh con lần đầu làm đèn táo quân, nhìn ngộ nghĩnh và xộc xệch lắm nhưng mẹ thì vui lộ rõ trên khuân mặt. Mẹ đã cười rất hạnh phúc.



Hôm trung thu, ngồi bên mâm cỗ trung thu có mía ngọt, bưởi thơm, na dai, cốm xanh, chuối trứng quốc, bánh nướng và cả bánh dẻo nữa. Chị con năm nào cũng nhận chân bầy cỗ, chị bầy đẹp lắm có cả hình thù các con vật đường hoàng. Anh thì làm nhiều thứ, năm ấy anh tặng mỗi thành viên trong gia đình mình một xâu hạt bưởi hạt giấc khô. Con bé nhất nhà chả biết làm gì. Mẹ bảo giao cho con chân phá cỗ. Mẹ dặn việc này thiêng liêng lắm, phải là học sinh giỏi mới xứng đáng. Rồi cũng đến giờ mở quà của bố, cả nhà cùng nhắm mắt bóc quà. Quà cho anh là một cây bút máy hồng hà mầu xanh có viền vàng, quà cho chị là một cái mặt nạ Chu Bát Giới và một cuốn sổ nhỏ để chị viết nhật kí, cho con cũng là một cái mặt nạ nhưng là Tôn Ngộ Không và một khẩu súng nước rất oách, cuối cùng quà cho mẹ chỉ là một bức thư, chúng con vẫn không biết bố viết gì cho mẹ nữa. Rồi mẹ lại yêu cầu cả nhà nhắm mắt, mẹ bảo mẹ cũng có quà. Vừa bóc lớp giấy xi măng đầu tiên chúng con đã biết đó là những bộ quần áo mới. Mẹ đã mua vải và đi may cho chúng con tự bao giờ chúng con đâu có hay. Mà mẹ lấy đâu ra tiền nhỉ? sau này dì Hằng kể mẹ đánh điện cho bố, xin bố cho bán chiếc nhẫn cưới để chữa bệnh cho bà và cũng để mua quà cho chúng con. Dì còn gà câu, mẹ chiều chúng con quá, thế nào cũng hư. Chị con đã cứng đầu vặt lại dì: "Mẹ cháu chiều thật mà lại rất nghiêm khắc đấy chứ, có phải như dì nói đâu"



Hôm ấy chúng con vận áo mới, đeo mặt lạ, ngắm mâm cỗ trung thu và ngắm ông trăng. Chị có tiết mục văn nghệ, chị hát :"Trung thu liên hoan trăng sáng ngập đường làng. Dưới ánh trăng vàng em cất tiếng hát vang...", anh vừa trẻ mía vừa gõ nhịp. Sau cùng mẹ kể sự tích chị Hằng và mẹ lặng nhìn chúng con đón tết trông trăng dạng ngời hạnh phúc.



Từ ấy, chúng con lớn khôn hơn, chúng con không còn đòi áo mới vì đã biết cất nó vào tủ để để cho năm sau, dẫu anh có bảo năm sau mặc sẽ hơi cộc. Hai chị em mạng mặt nạ và súng nước chơi đúng một ngày rồi vội cất vào tủ cho năm sau. Và cũng từ ấy chị ngày nào cũng chăm tưới cây na trước nhà để nó cho quả chín đúng dịp trung thu, như thế mẹ cũng sẽ đỡ được một khoản tiêu pha, chị bảo thế...



Chúng con đã lớn khôn lên từ một trung thu như thế mẹ ạ. Dẫu con đã trưởng thành ngoài cuộc sống nhưng với mẹ con vẫn là đứa trẻ ngoan ngoãn ngày nào. Mẹ dặn con học tiếng Anh thì nên tư duy bằng chính thứ tiếng ấy, nhưng hôm nay khi biết trung thu này bão về miền bắc, anh và chị cũng bận bịu công việc chắc chỉ cho cháu qua mẹ chốc lát, con thì đi xa. Mẹ đón trung thu một mình vậy nên con xin viết những dòng này như lời kính yêu gửi mẹ và kính chúc mẹ mạnh khỏe.

[lainH]

... :o ... english hay vnese gi` Ci cu~ng viet nhieu he't ...

[cicadas]

My Darling,



I have read somewhere on internet in general that when a guy still falls in love with a girl or almostly ex-girlfriend, he often talks about her, of course in beautiful terms even when she is so far away from him. I wonder whether I am ending up in that case, if I still love you in my heart although our relationship was almostly broken off after I had replied to your letter. I don´t believe that I am descending into that case. What I have written about you in my diary so far, is just an initial step of an entire process to remove the past from my life. I don´t look at it back as a sad or happy memory. I reckon it as one old thing that becomes out of date and that is no longer useful. I will throw it in somewhere without thinking of its existance or disappearance anymore, so that I know that I am standing somewhere and playing some whatever roles in this life rather than still recognize myself being between nowhere.



Some days ago, I went to the company library to check out some books for my work. One of my co-workers was reading his material there. I came along with him to the coffee automate installed in the building after accepting his invitation. While sitting beside two cups of coffee, he told me about his wife. I was so sorry that he mentioned her in quite a negative mood, it is said more exactly that he complained about her lifestyle which he no longer belonged to. In short I could clearly notice a statement that the love between them almostly fell off.



What I have read is true in his case. When a guy slams his wife behind her back so aggressively that listeners felt that he were ready to attact to break his long-term relationship immediately without thinking twice, that means that the true love has already been over for long. The only faint string of responsibility exists in their bond. It can be burned out whenever one comes under fire from the other or one of which adds fuel to the fire in a small argument. And as result the love between two will melt so fast as an ice-cream is under the sunny sun. Yet one more love will disappear in the silent space. However I would rather that I could do the same as he since I never want to have you in my life of the future, never want to have an affair with you in my mind each night when I am beside my wife. How come she will love me in such a situation? how come she love a guy who doesn´t love her? how come I can live a happy life with so guilty an action? how come my children will be educated with a father filled with such sick thoughts while all the members in my future family have right to live a happy life? I used to love you so much, even more than myself. But now you mean nothing to me once you left me for a new horizon. That is why the first letter I have sent to you for a long voiceless time said in a clear matter that I don´t love you anymore, that I want you not to write to me anymore. I will not let my life have to regret because of you. Given that I run into you somehow somewhere on the old streets, then I will greet you with the same way you greet me. I know it will not be more or less than a properity between two acquaintances meeting by accident in a hurry. I know you are so realistic when looking into a problem hence you will go along with me on this point.



I have also rejected your proposal to move. I have just gotten rid of the idea to follow you into that country for some days. I have done away with that thought after seeing about carefully in any aspect of negatives and positives over and over again. I have also consulted some my best friends, my mentor and even some new friends who live in the same environtment to yours. All of them have advised me to arrange for a take-off because of you whom I love and who loves me too, because of my future which includes all that I love, I need to have, because of my carreer which will blow if I have enough ability, because of freedom which will give me a large enough space to do what I want and so on. I were so grateful for their sympathies to me.



I thought nobody knows me better than you. You know how difficult it can be to convince me to take a new tough decision absolutely objecting to my old because you know I have made a promise to you and myself and I want to keep it at least to myself. I will not give up my dream but will execute it, even without you. One day one girl will close in on my heart and she will totally take over and fillful the empty in it. Deep within I know who I am in both long and short term plan, what I want and what needs carrying out in this life. I will stick to it anyway. A lie costs just a penny and it always turns up like a bad penny while man would rather be nothing or die than a penny. These words in this letter will substitute for a goodbye to a more beautiful than a beautiful dream love.